I've been stumbling through some dark places.

Brookville Lake

Its been almost a year since the last time I posted anything. I can't sleep and I was feeling the urge to write so here I am. As I was trying to sleep I couldn't diminish the dark questions that kept popping into my mind, like how would I die? Would I die a painful death, of old age or die of cancer like so many loved ones I have known. I wish this was not how my brain operated in its state of "rest". My rational for this situation is that death is a part of life and its only natural to be curious.

April 1st will be the 7 month mark of my mothers passing. It still amazes me how much my life has changed in only a year. I know I'm not the only one in the world who has lost someone and I'm not searching for sympathy I'm only expressing how I feel which is hollow at times, empty and longing for that part of me I will never get back. That void is only filled when I dream about her, she's smiling and the sun is shinning so brightly on her. She's usually on a boat in the lake fishing. She loved to fish. Maybe I have this dream because one of the last cheerful moments I shared with her was on a boat in the lake. She was having a good day, a day where the cancer wasn't sucking the life out of her brittle bones. We laughed and skipped rocks and for that moment I felt I had my mother back. 


 I will never have her back but she is in every beautiful thing. She is in the sun that shines so bright, she is in the warm breeze that blows my hair, she is in every breath of every Eagles song I sing. Her memory lives on and I'm doing all I can to make her proud. 

"And I've been waiting in the weeds

Waiting for my time to come around again and

Hope is floating on the breeze

Carrying my soul high up above the ground and

I've been keepin' to myself

Knowin' that the seasons are slowly changing

Even though you're with somebody else

He'll never love you like I do"

<3